Well, after our latest disappointment I thought we would be on a break saving for IVF. We are fortunate enough to have parents that want to help and, although, I don't like taking money I feel this is important enough that I need to get over myself.
So, here we are getting ready for IVF! I'm on BCP until my hysteroscopy that is scheduled for February 13th and will start the cycle right after that. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. Really scared it won't work and even more scared it will. I've never been pregnant before and I'm so terrified that I'll be over the moon excited when it works (because I just know it will work) and then miscarry. I really hate that IF has made me so scared.
I've also switched REs (hopefully for the last time). I'm now with Dr Witz at Houston Fertility Institute. I really didn't want to go there because of their cheesy awful commercials but it seemed like everyone recommended them. One of my dear support system friends recommended Dr Witz and I agree that he is amazing. He has already called me twice. The first time it scared me to death! I've never been called by the actual RE so I assumed it had to be bad news. Nope, he was just calling to apologize for a delay in b/w results. The next day he called to make sure I didn't have any questions about my upcoming procedure. I'm so impressed with guy. I sure hope he knocks me up!
Oh, and one more thing! Everything costs more than expected. Who knows how much the hysteroscopy will cost plus the gallons of b/w they did. But the biggest shock was my meds. They told me $2-5K but average is $3K. I have been very fortunate to receive some direct donations from the awesome ladies in my support system and also some samples from my previous RE and leftovers from previous cycles. I have $3K worth of meds in my house right now (all of which I can use for this IVF). I got the meds total from the pharmacy on Friday. Another $3K! What?!? That's right at $6K! I think it's a mistake. I plan to call the RE tomorrow. I'm not DOR so I'm not sure why they prescribed so much. Maybe I'll be making a large meds donation after I get my BFP!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, November 11, 2011
Last chance!
We are in the middle of what will be our last cycle for the forseeable future. At my CD 3 baseline appt I had a small cyst on each ovary. Although my nurse assured me it's not a big deal I think it's my bodies way of saying it needs a break. Well honestyly, I'm using that as an excuse. I need a break! Also, I'm switching to health insurance through school and I'm sure it's going to suck so we've decided if this cycle is a BFFN then we will take a break to regroup and decide what to do next. Maybe save for IVF? Maybe take a vacation? I'm not really sure at this point.
Anyway, I'm CD 10 today and just trucking along with my daily injections. It's funny that at this point I could do it with my eyes closed. I hardly even feel it (well most of the time). I had an u/s and b/w this morning with not much to report. I'm hoping by Wednesday I'll have a better idea of how this cycle will be and when my IUI will be. I'm crossing my fingers for Saturday 11/19 or Sunday 11/20 so I can be done with all this before my trip to TN for Thanksgiving. Fingers crossed!
Anyway, I'm CD 10 today and just trucking along with my daily injections. It's funny that at this point I could do it with my eyes closed. I hardly even feel it (well most of the time). I had an u/s and b/w this morning with not much to report. I'm hoping by Wednesday I'll have a better idea of how this cycle will be and when my IUI will be. I'm crossing my fingers for Saturday 11/19 or Sunday 11/20 so I can be done with all this before my trip to TN for Thanksgiving. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
IF makes me feel so alone
Not sure if it's the PMS, but I'm feeling really alone. I have so much going on in my head right now and noone to talk to. I usually talk to my friend Julie but she always has something really positive to say but it unfortunately has nothing to do with reality or is just "puppies & rainbows". I don't do over-the-top positivity. I do realistic. Sometimes it's easier to remind myself of the realistic chances I have than to convince myself that this will work. If I'm convinced, then the BFN is that much harder to take. Don't get me wrong, I try to remain positive and remind myself there IS a chance but it can go either way.
My other confidante in my IF struggle is my BFF Kelly. She is one of the few people I've told of our struggle that hasn't said something stupid or offensive to me about it. She has never told me to relax or made me feel like it's my fault. She is just entering her 2nd trimester with her 2nd baby. Oddly, I feel like I can't talk to her about IF anymore considering she is due at the same time I would of been if my cycle with 3 great follies had worked. It's just too painful and I feel like a total loser. I also don't want to be Debbie Downer while she's pregnant.
FUIF!!!
My other confidante in my IF struggle is my BFF Kelly. She is one of the few people I've told of our struggle that hasn't said something stupid or offensive to me about it. She has never told me to relax or made me feel like it's my fault. She is just entering her 2nd trimester with her 2nd baby. Oddly, I feel like I can't talk to her about IF anymore considering she is due at the same time I would of been if my cycle with 3 great follies had worked. It's just too painful and I feel like a total loser. I also don't want to be Debbie Downer while she's pregnant.
FUIF!!!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
How did we end up with 3 dogs in less than 2 years?
In October 2009, I finally talked my DH into getting a dog. How did I finally twist his arm? I told him it was a dog or a baby. He quickly chose the dog. We adopted Tanner, a 6 month old Blenheim, from Cavalier Rescue USA. A few months later we decided we also wanted a baby so we started TTC. By August 2010, I was already diagnosed with PCOS, prescribed Metformin, and was starting Clomid. My DH decided he wanted a playmate for Tanner. We adopted Winston, a 1 year old abused puppy mill rescue, from Cavalier Rescue USA in September. He was completely malnourished, had bald spot, almost every kind of parasite a dog can have, and was absolutely terrified of people. I found comfort in trying to take care of him and getting him to trust me. IF was tough to deal with during the Christmas holidays but our dogs were a nice distraction. After Christmas we decided to take a much needed emotional break from the roller coaster known as treatments. During our break my DH got a wild hair and decided we needed another dog. I certainly wasn't opposed. In April 2011 we brought home Murphy, an 18 month old Ruby, from Cavalier Rescue USA. At this point, I kind of realized we had a problem. We were addicted to our dogs and also to getting new dogs. We knew 3 had to be the max. We live in a townhouse near downtown Houston and have a pretty small yard. What were we thinking? Oh well, we loved them. That is when I got the brilliant idea that instead of getting new dogs we could just fostering for the rescue. This served several purposes: we get a new dog, we get to save/fix/take care of them until they are well, we then get to hand them over to a loving caring home. Perfect! It has been a great experience. Since May 2011, we've fostered almost 10 dogs.
Looking back I realize we've been substituting dogs for babies. I wouldn't change anything though because I love them and they bring us so much joy.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
What a hard cycle
So, our 6th medicated cycle was rough from start to finish. I had a repeat HSG on day 6 which is always fun. By day 15, I had gone from 4 barely measureable follicles to 10 follicles ranging from 11-15 mm. Yes, 10! This would be perfect for an IVF cycle but not what you want for an IUI cycle. At the appt, the nurse discussed the fact that the cycle might be cancelled depending on how it progressed. Keep in mind that I was well on my way to using $1,000 worth of meds and I really didn't want it to be for nothing.
We had our 3rd monitoring appt on Saturday, October 15th. My DH went with me for the first time (to a monitoring appt). The u/s tech let him look at the screen and pointed out what everything was. He was like a kid in a candy shop! I wish I could say it was fun for me too but the tech told us my ovaries were the size of large lemons or small baseballs when they're supposed to be the size of a walnut. To say I was sore didn't really cover it. After the u/s we met with the nurse, Maria. She must be the weekend nurse as I'd never met her but she was nice enough. She explained that I now had 10 follies over 14 mm, with 4 measuring 17 mm. She asked us if we had considered selective reduction. What?!? I never thought I would be asked that question. Keep in mind that in my 1st 4 medicated cycles I never had more than 1 follie. How did I end up with 10? My husband and I have discussed selective reduction at length. You kind of have to when you're dealing with IF meds. I'm very comfortable saying that I have no interest in being the next Octomom or Kate +8 but the question hit me like a ton of bricks. My DH told her we had discussed it and we would do it if absolutely necessary. I didn't know what to say so I just stood there in silence with what I'm sure was a deer in the headlights look. We did some blood work and left knowing we'd hear from the RE with further instructions.
We received the news a few hours later that my E2 was lower than expected at 1032. Normally, it is about 200 per mature follicle meaning I had no more than 5 follicles. Although, 5 is still a lot my RE felt comfortable moving forward with TI rather than IUI to lower the chances of all of them fertilizing. My LH was also beginning to surge on it's own. So we triggered at noon and BD'd for the next 4 days straight just for good measure. I was nervous about the chance of multiples but completely trust my RE. I was even more nervous about another BFN. Not sure how many more I can take.
It has been exactly 2 weeks and I wish I could say multiples was my biggest concern at this point. Instead I'm still looking at a BFN at 12 dpo. I even did a digital this morning...still BFN. How could I have 5 follicles this cycle and 3 beauties the cycle before and still get a BFN? I almost feel like my RE has missed something. My DH has rockstar sperm with 155 million count and 12% morphology on his SA last month. My RE assured my with my low FSH, good AFC and AMH that my only issue was ovulation. Well, now I'm ovulating and still ...nothing.
I just feel so defeated right now and lost. I'm so pissed right now that I want to give up.
Here is the breakdown of our OOP this cycle:
$40 co-pay to plan cycle
$195 baseline u/s
$950 Gonal-F
$675 Repeat HSG
$280 monitoring u/s and E2 b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$289 Ovidrel and Endometrin
$3159 TOTAL
We had our 3rd monitoring appt on Saturday, October 15th. My DH went with me for the first time (to a monitoring appt). The u/s tech let him look at the screen and pointed out what everything was. He was like a kid in a candy shop! I wish I could say it was fun for me too but the tech told us my ovaries were the size of large lemons or small baseballs when they're supposed to be the size of a walnut. To say I was sore didn't really cover it. After the u/s we met with the nurse, Maria. She must be the weekend nurse as I'd never met her but she was nice enough. She explained that I now had 10 follies over 14 mm, with 4 measuring 17 mm. She asked us if we had considered selective reduction. What?!? I never thought I would be asked that question. Keep in mind that in my 1st 4 medicated cycles I never had more than 1 follie. How did I end up with 10? My husband and I have discussed selective reduction at length. You kind of have to when you're dealing with IF meds. I'm very comfortable saying that I have no interest in being the next Octomom or Kate +8 but the question hit me like a ton of bricks. My DH told her we had discussed it and we would do it if absolutely necessary. I didn't know what to say so I just stood there in silence with what I'm sure was a deer in the headlights look. We did some blood work and left knowing we'd hear from the RE with further instructions.
We received the news a few hours later that my E2 was lower than expected at 1032. Normally, it is about 200 per mature follicle meaning I had no more than 5 follicles. Although, 5 is still a lot my RE felt comfortable moving forward with TI rather than IUI to lower the chances of all of them fertilizing. My LH was also beginning to surge on it's own. So we triggered at noon and BD'd for the next 4 days straight just for good measure. I was nervous about the chance of multiples but completely trust my RE. I was even more nervous about another BFN. Not sure how many more I can take.
It has been exactly 2 weeks and I wish I could say multiples was my biggest concern at this point. Instead I'm still looking at a BFN at 12 dpo. I even did a digital this morning...still BFN. How could I have 5 follicles this cycle and 3 beauties the cycle before and still get a BFN? I almost feel like my RE has missed something. My DH has rockstar sperm with 155 million count and 12% morphology on his SA last month. My RE assured my with my low FSH, good AFC and AMH that my only issue was ovulation. Well, now I'm ovulating and still ...nothing.
I just feel so defeated right now and lost. I'm so pissed right now that I want to give up.
Here is the breakdown of our OOP this cycle:
$40 co-pay to plan cycle
$195 baseline u/s
$950 Gonal-F
$675 Repeat HSG
$280 monitoring u/s and E2 b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$289 Ovidrel and Endometrin
$3159 TOTAL
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