We are in the middle of what will be our last cycle for the forseeable future. At my CD 3 baseline appt I had a small cyst on each ovary. Although my nurse assured me it's not a big deal I think it's my bodies way of saying it needs a break. Well honestyly, I'm using that as an excuse. I need a break! Also, I'm switching to health insurance through school and I'm sure it's going to suck so we've decided if this cycle is a BFFN then we will take a break to regroup and decide what to do next. Maybe save for IVF? Maybe take a vacation? I'm not really sure at this point.
Anyway, I'm CD 10 today and just trucking along with my daily injections. It's funny that at this point I could do it with my eyes closed. I hardly even feel it (well most of the time). I had an u/s and b/w this morning with not much to report. I'm hoping by Wednesday I'll have a better idea of how this cycle will be and when my IUI will be. I'm crossing my fingers for Saturday 11/19 or Sunday 11/20 so I can be done with all this before my trip to TN for Thanksgiving. Fingers crossed!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
IF makes me feel so alone
Not sure if it's the PMS, but I'm feeling really alone. I have so much going on in my head right now and noone to talk to. I usually talk to my friend Julie but she always has something really positive to say but it unfortunately has nothing to do with reality or is just "puppies & rainbows". I don't do over-the-top positivity. I do realistic. Sometimes it's easier to remind myself of the realistic chances I have than to convince myself that this will work. If I'm convinced, then the BFN is that much harder to take. Don't get me wrong, I try to remain positive and remind myself there IS a chance but it can go either way.
My other confidante in my IF struggle is my BFF Kelly. She is one of the few people I've told of our struggle that hasn't said something stupid or offensive to me about it. She has never told me to relax or made me feel like it's my fault. She is just entering her 2nd trimester with her 2nd baby. Oddly, I feel like I can't talk to her about IF anymore considering she is due at the same time I would of been if my cycle with 3 great follies had worked. It's just too painful and I feel like a total loser. I also don't want to be Debbie Downer while she's pregnant.
FUIF!!!
My other confidante in my IF struggle is my BFF Kelly. She is one of the few people I've told of our struggle that hasn't said something stupid or offensive to me about it. She has never told me to relax or made me feel like it's my fault. She is just entering her 2nd trimester with her 2nd baby. Oddly, I feel like I can't talk to her about IF anymore considering she is due at the same time I would of been if my cycle with 3 great follies had worked. It's just too painful and I feel like a total loser. I also don't want to be Debbie Downer while she's pregnant.
FUIF!!!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
How did we end up with 3 dogs in less than 2 years?
In October 2009, I finally talked my DH into getting a dog. How did I finally twist his arm? I told him it was a dog or a baby. He quickly chose the dog. We adopted Tanner, a 6 month old Blenheim, from Cavalier Rescue USA. A few months later we decided we also wanted a baby so we started TTC. By August 2010, I was already diagnosed with PCOS, prescribed Metformin, and was starting Clomid. My DH decided he wanted a playmate for Tanner. We adopted Winston, a 1 year old abused puppy mill rescue, from Cavalier Rescue USA in September. He was completely malnourished, had bald spot, almost every kind of parasite a dog can have, and was absolutely terrified of people. I found comfort in trying to take care of him and getting him to trust me. IF was tough to deal with during the Christmas holidays but our dogs were a nice distraction. After Christmas we decided to take a much needed emotional break from the roller coaster known as treatments. During our break my DH got a wild hair and decided we needed another dog. I certainly wasn't opposed. In April 2011 we brought home Murphy, an 18 month old Ruby, from Cavalier Rescue USA. At this point, I kind of realized we had a problem. We were addicted to our dogs and also to getting new dogs. We knew 3 had to be the max. We live in a townhouse near downtown Houston and have a pretty small yard. What were we thinking? Oh well, we loved them. That is when I got the brilliant idea that instead of getting new dogs we could just fostering for the rescue. This served several purposes: we get a new dog, we get to save/fix/take care of them until they are well, we then get to hand them over to a loving caring home. Perfect! It has been a great experience. Since May 2011, we've fostered almost 10 dogs.
Looking back I realize we've been substituting dogs for babies. I wouldn't change anything though because I love them and they bring us so much joy.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
What a hard cycle
So, our 6th medicated cycle was rough from start to finish. I had a repeat HSG on day 6 which is always fun. By day 15, I had gone from 4 barely measureable follicles to 10 follicles ranging from 11-15 mm. Yes, 10! This would be perfect for an IVF cycle but not what you want for an IUI cycle. At the appt, the nurse discussed the fact that the cycle might be cancelled depending on how it progressed. Keep in mind that I was well on my way to using $1,000 worth of meds and I really didn't want it to be for nothing.
We had our 3rd monitoring appt on Saturday, October 15th. My DH went with me for the first time (to a monitoring appt). The u/s tech let him look at the screen and pointed out what everything was. He was like a kid in a candy shop! I wish I could say it was fun for me too but the tech told us my ovaries were the size of large lemons or small baseballs when they're supposed to be the size of a walnut. To say I was sore didn't really cover it. After the u/s we met with the nurse, Maria. She must be the weekend nurse as I'd never met her but she was nice enough. She explained that I now had 10 follies over 14 mm, with 4 measuring 17 mm. She asked us if we had considered selective reduction. What?!? I never thought I would be asked that question. Keep in mind that in my 1st 4 medicated cycles I never had more than 1 follie. How did I end up with 10? My husband and I have discussed selective reduction at length. You kind of have to when you're dealing with IF meds. I'm very comfortable saying that I have no interest in being the next Octomom or Kate +8 but the question hit me like a ton of bricks. My DH told her we had discussed it and we would do it if absolutely necessary. I didn't know what to say so I just stood there in silence with what I'm sure was a deer in the headlights look. We did some blood work and left knowing we'd hear from the RE with further instructions.
We received the news a few hours later that my E2 was lower than expected at 1032. Normally, it is about 200 per mature follicle meaning I had no more than 5 follicles. Although, 5 is still a lot my RE felt comfortable moving forward with TI rather than IUI to lower the chances of all of them fertilizing. My LH was also beginning to surge on it's own. So we triggered at noon and BD'd for the next 4 days straight just for good measure. I was nervous about the chance of multiples but completely trust my RE. I was even more nervous about another BFN. Not sure how many more I can take.
It has been exactly 2 weeks and I wish I could say multiples was my biggest concern at this point. Instead I'm still looking at a BFN at 12 dpo. I even did a digital this morning...still BFN. How could I have 5 follicles this cycle and 3 beauties the cycle before and still get a BFN? I almost feel like my RE has missed something. My DH has rockstar sperm with 155 million count and 12% morphology on his SA last month. My RE assured my with my low FSH, good AFC and AMH that my only issue was ovulation. Well, now I'm ovulating and still ...nothing.
I just feel so defeated right now and lost. I'm so pissed right now that I want to give up.
Here is the breakdown of our OOP this cycle:
$40 co-pay to plan cycle
$195 baseline u/s
$950 Gonal-F
$675 Repeat HSG
$280 monitoring u/s and E2 b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$289 Ovidrel and Endometrin
$3159 TOTAL
We had our 3rd monitoring appt on Saturday, October 15th. My DH went with me for the first time (to a monitoring appt). The u/s tech let him look at the screen and pointed out what everything was. He was like a kid in a candy shop! I wish I could say it was fun for me too but the tech told us my ovaries were the size of large lemons or small baseballs when they're supposed to be the size of a walnut. To say I was sore didn't really cover it. After the u/s we met with the nurse, Maria. She must be the weekend nurse as I'd never met her but she was nice enough. She explained that I now had 10 follies over 14 mm, with 4 measuring 17 mm. She asked us if we had considered selective reduction. What?!? I never thought I would be asked that question. Keep in mind that in my 1st 4 medicated cycles I never had more than 1 follie. How did I end up with 10? My husband and I have discussed selective reduction at length. You kind of have to when you're dealing with IF meds. I'm very comfortable saying that I have no interest in being the next Octomom or Kate +8 but the question hit me like a ton of bricks. My DH told her we had discussed it and we would do it if absolutely necessary. I didn't know what to say so I just stood there in silence with what I'm sure was a deer in the headlights look. We did some blood work and left knowing we'd hear from the RE with further instructions.
We received the news a few hours later that my E2 was lower than expected at 1032. Normally, it is about 200 per mature follicle meaning I had no more than 5 follicles. Although, 5 is still a lot my RE felt comfortable moving forward with TI rather than IUI to lower the chances of all of them fertilizing. My LH was also beginning to surge on it's own. So we triggered at noon and BD'd for the next 4 days straight just for good measure. I was nervous about the chance of multiples but completely trust my RE. I was even more nervous about another BFN. Not sure how many more I can take.
It has been exactly 2 weeks and I wish I could say multiples was my biggest concern at this point. Instead I'm still looking at a BFN at 12 dpo. I even did a digital this morning...still BFN. How could I have 5 follicles this cycle and 3 beauties the cycle before and still get a BFN? I almost feel like my RE has missed something. My DH has rockstar sperm with 155 million count and 12% morphology on his SA last month. My RE assured my with my low FSH, good AFC and AMH that my only issue was ovulation. Well, now I'm ovulating and still ...nothing.
I just feel so defeated right now and lost. I'm so pissed right now that I want to give up.
Here is the breakdown of our OOP this cycle:
$40 co-pay to plan cycle
$195 baseline u/s
$950 Gonal-F
$675 Repeat HSG
$280 monitoring u/s and E2 b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$365 monitoring u/s and E2 + LH b/w
$289 Ovidrel and Endometrin
$3159 TOTAL
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Our TTC History
In Spring 2010, my best friend Kelly came to visit us in Houston from Nashville. She brought her 8 month old little girl with her and that is where it all started. We always knew we wanted children and, being in our early 30s, knew we didn't have forever. As soon as that tot stepped off the plane I knew I was ready. My DH was a little slower. It took him until the end of the weekend. They probably hadn't taken off from Houston Hobby Airport before we decided we were going to have a baby. I thought we should do some planning (can't help myself) for a few months but my DH wanted to get on with it. The sooner, the better. I don't think I took another BCP after that weekend.
The first few months, everything was normal but no BFP. We took an amazing vacation to Mexico and as though it was meant to be 2 weeks after our trip I was late. I was so excited! HPT-Negative, Repeat HPT-Negative, a week later another BFN. A month later I went to my OBGYN and we discussed my predicament. She ran a bunch of tests and did an ultrasound. Bad news! PCOS. On to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Really long story short: we did 2 rounds of Clomid (50 mg & 100 mg) in September and November. Both cycles were cancelled due to no response. In December we did a cycle of 5 mg Femara. Once again, I was cancelled due to no response. Crazy enough, I O'd 5 days later. It was a feeling I've never felt before. I knew something was happening and it must be good because I had never had these feelings before in my life. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode. Funny enough I loved it! Test day was December 24th (14 dpo) and I just knew I was KU. Now, keep in mind that I had been going months without AF and my one cycle that didn't require Prometrium to start was still almost 40 days. Well, what do you know...the bitch showed up a day early (for the first time in my life) in the car on the long drive to TN. I was crushed. How could I be so naive to think it might work? It ruined my entire Christmas at home. After returning home we decided to take an extended break from treatments.
The first few months, everything was normal but no BFP. We took an amazing vacation to Mexico and as though it was meant to be 2 weeks after our trip I was late. I was so excited! HPT-Negative, Repeat HPT-Negative, a week later another BFN. A month later I went to my OBGYN and we discussed my predicament. She ran a bunch of tests and did an ultrasound. Bad news! PCOS. On to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Really long story short: we did 2 rounds of Clomid (50 mg & 100 mg) in September and November. Both cycles were cancelled due to no response. In December we did a cycle of 5 mg Femara. Once again, I was cancelled due to no response. Crazy enough, I O'd 5 days later. It was a feeling I've never felt before. I knew something was happening and it must be good because I had never had these feelings before in my life. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode. Funny enough I loved it! Test day was December 24th (14 dpo) and I just knew I was KU. Now, keep in mind that I had been going months without AF and my one cycle that didn't require Prometrium to start was still almost 40 days. Well, what do you know...the bitch showed up a day early (for the first time in my life) in the car on the long drive to TN. I was crushed. How could I be so naive to think it might work? It ruined my entire Christmas at home. After returning home we decided to take an extended break from treatments.
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